Hmmmm, seems like I am finding less and less things to say these days. We are anticipating our Imbolc party this weekend and let us not forget the Superbowl, of course. My husband won't let me forget that.

I have to make an effort to start taking care of myself better. I have some health issues that won't take care of themselves without some hard work from me. Ick...it's that word I hate....work. I have a couple issues with trying to do this, one is money and the other is ability.

I don't really have the cash to go to the gym or anything and then there are the kids. My husband works such crazy spiratic hours that it's hard for me to go do anything. We hardly get to spend any time together as a family. My husband always has something to go do or he's on the computer. I usually just let him go do what he's gonna do and I'm always here with the kids. Then when I do get the chance to go, I don't know where to go or what to do. It's like I spend all my time here so anything outside of here, I'm lost. Then if I actually do go....I'm constantly thinking about the kids.

I know I'm a mom but geeze, one would think I could be able to get over that for a few hours of sanity. Maybe I thrive on the insanity? I think I've spent way too much time with little kids. I don't know. I guess that is the price I have to pay to be a mom which I love. I complain a lot about always having to be here but this is where I feel most whole. I guess I would like to be able to start doing things as a family more but then we would have to have more money and I don't see that happening any time soon. Later.

Current Mood: contemplative

I was complaining about not having any snow. The kids and the hubby were complaining about not having snow. Guess what...we got snow. We actually have like 5 inches of accumulation. And tomorrow we have to drive down to Brighton to take our daughter to her appointment. That should prove to be an interesting trip. A friend is gonna come with us so there will definitely be a stop at a book store or two. There is one in particular that I am hoping is still there and functioning when we get down there that had a very wide selection of books for very good prices. We shall see.

We had a wonderful weekend. Gaming on Saturday went very well. We probably won't be able to game again for a while cuz of everyone's crazy schedules. It's difficult to get a group that size together unless we plan very far ahead. Although that tends to have it's own problems too...something almost always comes up to try to throw a monkey wrench into our plans. So far so good.

Anyway, I guess there is really nothing to report. Almost lunchtime for the little man so I'll write again another day. Later.

Current Location: In a warm house rather than in the snowy mess outside
Current Mood: amused

I talked to my father last night and he gave me a little more info regarding my biological mother. My first step is going to be to spend an afternoon or morning at the Court House digging through to find an old divorce record belonging to my father and biological mother. He said they were married in Seattle WA but the divorce was done here. I am hoping that her SOC # will be in that file cuz with that and/or her DOB I may be able to track her down.

My dad told me a few details about my early childhood which I don't remember but had heard the stories before just not quite as detailed. He said he thinks I am old enough and strong enough now to deal with her lies. Dad didn't remember her birthplace either but that is on my birth certificate but he's pretty sure she went back to WA state. We shall see. I just hope that I'm not making a mistake but either way I have to know. There are so many questions. So much for her to make up for.

Current Mood: and anxious

Well, I finally did it. It was very hard to do and my stomach is still in knots because of it. I just hope those who love and/or care about me will be able to understand. I did it because I need to know so I can move on without the wondering and questions. We will see what happens.

I decided it was time to pursue the idea of finding my biological mother. The info I have about her is minimal so I had to ask my father. My father has never wanted me to look for her cuz he says he's afraid of what I will find. My mother was very heavy into drugs and she was just not a nice person. He suspects I would find a grave or worse a pit of what used to be my mother who will suck the life out of me along with any goodness I have in me. She can try but I'm too strong for that. She's done nothing for me over the years so I have nothing to give back to her. I just feel the need to see for myself if the stories I've heard over the years are true or not. I need to know why she hasn't ever tried to find us. Or if she has and I was never told. We've been in the same area since she left.

I was very young when she had to go so I don't remember her at all. I don't have anything of her. My dad always says it's better that way but I would like to make that choice for myself. I really hope he understands why I'm doing this. I kinda took the cowards way out too. I emailed him a letter stating my need to do this has no direct link to him or how I was raised. I told him that I'm happy with my life and as far as I'm concerned he and his current wife are my parents. I just need to connect the dots of my life and move on. I don't even know if I intend to contact her. If I find her in a gutter somewhere I may choose not to make contact. If I find her in a somewhat stable life I may contact or even meet her but only to ask her questions about why she never tried to find me after all these years. It's been twelve years since I became an adult. You would think she would have at least tried to contact me once in those years.

My concern is that I wrote my father the email and sent it to him only to find out he kept nothing from those times or the stuff was destroyed in the flood of 1986. Or of course that he can't remember any details. Or is unwilling to share the details. I never want to hurt him by asking all the questions I did but I have the right to know about her...at least I think I deserve to know. I hope this works out like I plan. I don't want him angry with me or resenting me for this later. I made sure I told him how much I love him. I just knew that I couldn't talk to him in person or on the phone cuz I would probably cry more than talk cuz if he starts crying I know I will too.

We will see how that all turns out. Other than that it was a very long weekend. I am glad to have Monday come. Three of the four kids are gone along with the hubby. It's so quiet here, it's so awesome. I decided to sit here in front of the computer instead of doing dishes or anything else equally lame but I guess all that other stuff has to get done at some point. That is my job...cook, clean, childcare, car care, canine care....all the things I love and hate together. It never seems to end.

Current Mood: and anxious

Hello again,

Wasn't that last storm a blast? We had a very strong thunderstorm on Dec. 31st and it blew my modem in my computer. That is about the only think we can think of that would have caused such damage. We are very lucky the storm didn't fry my whole system. Thanking the Gods aren't even the words to express my gratitude.

Anyway after almost a whole week without internet we are back online. I called my warrenty department since my computer is only 4 months old and they walked me through a bunch of steps to possibly fix my connection issues and when all attempts failed, they sent me a new modem free of charge which also protects the rest of my warrenty. YAY!!!!!! We like warrenties!

I never realized how much we use the internet here. I was constantly thinking I could look this up online and do that. Then I had to stop myself and try convincing my brain that is wasn't gonna work no matter how many times I tried to get online. It was horrible. But alas my problems are solved and I am back again, and as my dear friend would say..."There is much rejoicing". Shopping with her yesterday was great, we didn't do anything special but it was time with an adult and having adult conversations isn't something I get to do often. We even got to come to the rescue of one of her co-workers whose car broke down again so I'm told. Don't you hate it when that happens. I guess he had just got it back from the shop and it still isn't fixed. I would make them fix it again free of charge or take it to another dealer and take the bill to the jerks who didn't know how to fix it right the first time. I know it doesn't usually work out that way but one could hope.

I just found out too that my oldest son who was supposed to go to his aunt's for the weekend will not be able to go over there. I have only seen my son for 3 days so it will be nice to keep him but that just means the weekend will lead into a very long week cuz the longer the kids are all together, the more they fight. I guess it's better than him going over there and bringing back lice which is the reason he can't go over there. Way to much trouble for me so better be safe than sorry. I didn't feel like driving him over there anyway.

Anyway, I intend of having a great weekend so....later, I'm out!!! I hope the Schwans guy will be here soon...yummy, love those carmel ice cream bars!!!

Current Location: Computer land
Current Mood: chipper

I am looking forward to a night of D & D. We are playing our original characters which should prove to be a challenge. I still have to look through my old stuff and refamiliarize myself with that character. We haven't been able to get together in soo long to game. Seems like everyone is always doing something which makes it hard to play a fulfilling game. My hubby is one of those hack and slash players. If he isn't killing something, he isn't happy. Even when he tried playing a different type of character he wanted to be slaying people and I tried to explain to him it wouldn't be that way. He was kinda bored at the last gaming session cuz we were starting a new campaign and when you are starting from scratch like that it always takes a while to get things moving along. He always says he won't play again for a very long time but when the opportunity arises he is usually willing. He is so predictable that way. I never played till I met him. At first I wasn't interested until one night with my hubby and a friend of ours I decided to make a character to give it a try. It was fun although she wasn't the best at running it. I then played with the people we are playing with now and it was great. There have been some very long nights along the way. I remember once we played till 5am and then had to drive home 40 minutes from the other guys house. We didn't get to sleep till about 6am and the kids were awake by 8am cuz of course they are put to sleep while the rest of us keep gaming. It's awesome cuz we have kids around the same age so they play well together. Mostly girls tho....my 7 year old son doesn't seem to mind.

It has definitely been an interesting week. The hubby's dad went into the hospital a couple days ago to get some tests done. The doctors are trying to figure out why his blood level is way low. They think he's bleeding internally but can't find the source. An adult male is suppose to have a blood level of 15-18 to be healthy. His has been steady at 9.5 for the last few days...before that it was around 10. Now they are saying he has to see a Blood doctor (Hemotologist...sp?). We will see what this new doctor has to say but not until after the 2nd of January.

I have been hiding from my one friend who wants me to take her to get her son. I am sorta ashamed of myself for this but I just have issues with them not getting their car legal. They had the chance and blew the money on a puppy. How can I help them now when they can't help themselves. They have went over a month now with no car. I can remember how it felt when we didn't have a car and we wanted to change it but these people don't seem to want to do that. They seem happy to just keep bugging people for rides with no offer of money for gas cuz they are broke all the time. I finally talked to her yesterday and she didn't mention anything about going to get her son but they do want to come out here tomorrow to watch UFC boxing tomorrow but we would have to go get them...I would have to. I told her that she hasn't been able to get ahold of me cuz I was with my hubby's mom going back and forth to the hospital. I called my best friend "S" and asked her if anyone asked she had my kids while I was at the hospital. My other friends stepbrother knows my best friend and they did ask him about me. I covered my own behind. Oh well life goes on.

Some people just bother me to no end and they are at the top of that list. They are good for nothing people who sit back and let people do everything for them and expect it. They will use you when they need to and let people give them stuff to take care of their family that they cannot support on their own. My hubby and I let them stay with us for a while this last summer till they could find a place and at first it was alright but then everything started to bother me. Anyway, they moved out finally but we are still doing stuff for them cuz she knows all she has to do is tell me she needs something for those kids and I will buckle. SUCKER. I have a weak spot for kids and she knows which buttons to push. Oh well, I put myself in that spot.

I think I can get off my soapbox for now. Wish me luck tonight with the gaming. I think we are all gonna need it. hehehehehehehehe. Later

Current Location: Fantasy land
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Craig Morgan "Little bit of Life"

I am so happy to have the holiday season coming to a close. No more christmas carols, no more bell ringers at the stores, and no more cranky friends. I hope anyway on that last one. I just would love for the kids to be back in school, that would make it perfect.
We did enjoy this Yule tho. The kids had a great time and we actually got to spend some of it with the oldest boy too whose father was out of town. I loved having him here. It was also nice for him to go.
And now we enter the long stretch of solid school weeks with only a few breaks till spring. Normally we can at least count on a couple snow days but I am seriously beginning to wonder if we are gonna have snow at all...we are at the 27th day of December and we have absolutely NO snow. This is very odd considering we are in Michigan. It was a green Yule instead of white. When was the last time this happened? I don't remember a time with no snow this time of year. I am concerned that we are in for a nasty surprise come January. And how long will the snow stick around when we do get it? Through May and into June? Two years ago it snowed on April 27th cuz that was the day I got married for the second time. I really do hate snow but we need to get it now so we don't end up with more than we want later.
I plan on just being at home this week since I spent a lot of time last week running around. I do have to take my daughter to get her blood tests tho. A friend of mine is begging me to take her to get her son but she can't offer me money for gas. It's a 30 minute drive at least. I normally wouldn't have issues with this but they decided to buy a $200 AKC registerd Golden Lab instead of getting their car legal and her hubby's license renewed on his birthday. I can't condone helping those who won't help themselves even after they had the opportunity to do so. Their priorities are totally messed up if they think having a over-rated dog is more important than having a vehicle to drive and/or at least a lisence to do so.
Well, I guess I'm done for now...I'm off to play my new game. Take care all.

Current Mood: amused

We had a very nice weekend. We went to dinner at our friends house in Millington. It was nice although I ended up getting a horrible migraine. We came home earlier than intended, I put the kids to bed and went to bed myself and tried desperately to keep my head from splitting in half. The hubby stayed up and played his online game till early Saturday Morning.
Saturday other than a quick run to the grocery store, we stayed home all day...it was wonderful. I made lasagna for dinner while we watched the Back to the Future series on tv. My 7 year old loves those movies. The hubby played the computer most of the day until some another friend and his girlfriend came over to watch Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest with us. We then watched some more tv and talked for a while. It was a very nice visit and considering we don't get to see him much anymore, we enjoyed ourselves greatly. Sunday, my eldest son was brought home by his aunt and brought us cookies he and his aunt had made...yummy!!!! Our friend from Waterford brought a Yule gift for us. That was so sweet. We had a few debates over which actor played in what and of course the hubby had to be right, lol. We talked a bit and I made her a CD of christmas music. We talked a bit and she left. We had dinner early and I got all 4 kids through the tub early and then we settled down in front of the tv and watch How the grinch stole christmas with Jim Carey. They laughed. It was cute to watch them enjoy the grinch. I scooted them all off to bed at 8pm and enthusiastically watched the season finale of my favorite Reality show, Survivor. I was a little disappointed when my guy didn't win but I guess the guy that did win deserved to win...maybe.
I was very surprised that it was a relaxing weekend. I enjoyed watching the programs with my kids. It's been a long time since we've been able to stay home like that.
I put up a Yule tree last week and my youngest is fascinated with the lights. I plan on sitting down with all the kids this week and letting them cut out things to put on the tree out of construction paper. I want to involve them as much as possible. My hubby doesn't normally like to have a tree cuz he doesn't celebrate Christmas (or any other Christian holiday cuz he isn't) but our youngest son is so in love so daddy says it's worth it. I'm glad. It's only a small 4ft. one and it's sitting on top of a non operational dish washer. At least that way it is up off the floor so our 4mo. old pup can't get anything off it to chew on and the little man tends to leave it alone.
I am a little concerned about the upcoming school vacation. The kids will be off for almost 2 weeks. I wonder how much hair I will have left by then?? At least the hubby will be working the whole time...I don't think I could handle having him home too for all that time. ~~:(

Current Location: state of amusement
Current Mood: shocked

I want to say a quick "Thank You" to whomever sent the comment to my "Daily Grind" entry. I appreciate the kind words. I am doing better today. My best friend and I spoke briefly yesterday afternoon and she was still suffering from her late night of drinking. I didn't mention anything about feeling guilty to her but she did ask how I was feeling and I simply stated "just fine". She did thank me for having a drink with her on her birthday but I got the distinct impression she was regretful of the mass amounts she consumed.
Today is better. Kids are at school except for my 3 year old who is engrossed in cartoons at the moment. Hubby is at work. The house is quiet for now but it is Friday which tells me one thing...this week went entirely too fast cuz I am staring down the barrel of another long weekend with everyone home. Thankfully there are a few diversions to add to our chaos which is wonderful. I don't like weekends very much. The kids and the hubby are here and it makes for more work for me. Usually the kids have the TV and the hubby has the computer and I am left with usually some type of work including dishes and other nonsense. Oh well, such is life for a stay at home mom. Might as well get used to it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it right? LOL.

Current Mood: bitchy

I am struggling with a friend's insistance that I join her in a VERY "wet" birthday celebration ("wet" meaning the opposite of dry when it comes to alcohol). I wanted to join her cuz she is my best friend and has been for many years but at the same time she intended to drink herself into silly puddle of puke. Doesn't that sound great? I didn't think so either. I love her to death but her and her husband both are into drinking heavy and my husband and I don't really drink much....I never did but my hubby has recently admitted he has a drinking problem and is attending AA meetings at work. I am so proud of him!!! But that is another story. My friend is great and I really did want to spend time with her on her birthday cuz she turned the dreaded 30 but I who am already 30 knowing it's not the end of the world had to turn her down cuz of the alcohol involved. My hubby and I made a deal a while ago about drinking...this was before the AA. We agreed that he wouldn't drink heavy and I wouldn't drink heavy either. Doesn't bother me any cuz I don't drink more than a couple anyway normally. My friend however is a pusher. She makes people feel almost obligated to join her. I did go over there last night on her birthday to take her something she had asked me to pick up for her while I was out and about yesterday. She tried to push me to drink and I politely said "No, I have to go home. My baby doesn't feel good." Which was the truth by the way. I made a deal with her that I would go home and make myself a mixed drink which I did in fact have at home. I told her that I would get online and have a drink with her. I promised her that we would at least be able to drink together on her birthday. I then came home and booted my computer up and told my hubby my intentions. I then proceeded to grab a soda out of the fridge to drink with my friend. I did drink with her but it wasn't alcoholic. We IM'ed back a forth a bit laughing together and reminicing times years ago when we were teens with no responsibilities. We had fun back then but I reminded her that the fun doesn't have to stop now that we are both 30. I also told her how much I really do love her and appreciate all that she and her hubby does for us and that we are always here for all of them. They have three boys around the same age as my kids. I find myself feeling a bit guilty for lying to my best friend but I found it necessary for my own soul. I am waiting to see how much she remembers of last night since she started drinking at 7pm and by just after 9pm when I was there she had drank almost a whole fifth of Peachtree straight. She had another fifth that she intended on drinking last night as well. At least I came home and "drank" with her while online so she couldn't see me lying to her right? I am now thinking maybe I should tell her but I don't want this to affect our friendship. It would because of how she made her 30th birthday out to be something extremely important to her. She hasn't ever made such a fuss over her birthday before this. AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I need to stop feeling guilty. I did right by my friend and myself. I did right by my hubby as well. No harm no foul. Or am I just fooling myself. Time will tell. Time heals all wounds. Time is of the essence. Time just keeps ticking away. Time will slowly kill me.

Current Location: Wallowing in my own guilt
Current Mood: guilty